Why my husband and I would get so enraged while fighting

Or, what stops you from being able to hear the other side

What is underneath our rage and inability to hear each other, whether in heated conflict with loved ones or when talking about world issues?

My husband and I used to have horrible fights. We’d yell at each other until we were hoarse. We’d be reduced to howling tears of despair and helplessness. It could last hours. Though when things were good, we would each feel deeply seen by the other.

It’s hard to explain why we would get so distraught and enraged during arguments. Except to say that it’s a gut-wrenching loss when someone who loves you better than anyone, suddenly cannot see you.

The sun has disappeared. The face of the Divine is hidden. Will it ever return? Was it ever really there?

This is how difference of opinion can feel. It sears. When your loved one doesn’t agree with you or even comprehend what you’re trying to say.

Or, it may be the issue you’re discussing that feels fundamental to your continued happy existence, perhaps for the safety of your country or the world.

There are more than a few subjects that these days feel like life and death. You need to know that you’re right. If not, it’s just too scary. There’s nothing to hold onto.

When disagreed with, your truth is called into question. Riding on the back of this seemingly simple opinion is your ability to make sense of your world and your belief in your own sound mind.

You’re tossed upon torrential waves, the harbour of your clarity in ruins. You’re unmoored, alone. Suddenly your world is about to be destroyed.

Even minor arguments can make us feel this way. Otherwise, why would it be so devastatingly upsetting?

What happens next is that all your energy is shoved through the pipeline of trying to get the other person to acknowledge that at least some tiny part of what you say is the truth.

Here’s the simple remedy, though not at all easy. You must recognize and remind yourself that another person’s opinion, though it diverges from your own, does nothing to threaten your continued wellbeing and existence.

Remember, any change you wish to see in the world or in your relationships, must first be championed by you yourself. Indeed, it requires the courage of a champion to hold onto your own truth, yet desire to hear another.

Without this courage, how can you possibly have any ability to listen to what another human being holds dear? Or even to acknowledge their humanity?

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